Love, Cass Read online

  This was my family. This was why I loved them so much. These were the things memories were built on, and they’d started a grand one. Surely nobody would forget the day Reagan painted everyone’s nails hot pink and bad boy Dace, with all his tattoos, was a flower girl.

  “Let’s get on with it, shall we?” Liam said. “I know how important renewing our vows was to you, and after the way the day started, I thought this was the perfect way to end it.”

  I nodded, the tears already threatening.

  “Since these guys aren’t really ordained,” Liam started.

  “Yes we are. We paid the $49.99 and everything,” Wylie interrupted.

  “You’re not. You basically just handed some random guy on the other side of a website a hundred bucks between you. But it’s okay. You can stand there, front and center.”

  “But we prepared something,” Declan said.

  “If you start singing, you’re going to ruin this,” Liam chided.

  Declan gave Liam a side-eye glare and proceeded without permission. He didn’t need it. “As the oldest, we agreed I would speak on behalf of the family.”

  “Pffft,” Dace sneered.

  “Cassidy, for some reason none of us have figured out yet, you chose this guy to be your husband, and he’s damn lucky because I don’t think anyone else could love him the way you do. I’m not one for feelings and emotions, but for you and you only, I’ll share what we see when we see you two together.”

  “Oh geez,” I said, dabbing at the corner of my eye. “You’re going to make me cry, aren’t you?”

  “Well, that’s what you girls do at weddings, so I’d imagine so. Here,” Declan said, handing me a tissue from a box behind him. “We’ve known you a long time, we knew this was coming.”

  “Ha ha,” I said.

  “We’ve all known you longer than we haven’t known you. You’ve been in our lives almost forever. I’m pretty sure our brother has loved you since then, even if he did call you Sassy Cassy back then. We’ve all watched you love and support him through everything. I think you wanted him to achieve his goals more than he wanted to at times. That’s who you are: everyone’s champion, a shoulder when we need it, the one who always held everything together. You’ve made Liam a better man — you’ve made all of us better men. The way you love him, the way you love each other, is right out of one of those romance books Ma reads. It’s almost too good to be true, but it is. The two of you have taught us what to strive for and not to settle for anything less.”

  “That’s probably why none of you boys are married yet,” Colleen heckled from the first row, earning a round of laughs. “You ruined them.”

  “Nah, Ma,” Declan said. “We’re just waiting for something as great as this.”

  Declan’s words went right for the feels. I didn’t stand a chance and let the tears roll. These big, broody men grunted more than they smiled, so to hear something so sweet, so eloquent, and know it’s how they all felt meant the world to me.

  “Well, you all deserve nothing less than the absolute best. I’m glad you all know that.”

  I meant that. I found a little peace in that, knowing my marriage wasn’t just special to Liam and me, but to them as well. I was proud to be an example and hoped it was enough for them to find whatever they each desired.

  “Thanks, brother,” Liam said. “Just so you know, trying to win her over isn’t going to work. She’s already mine.”

  “It was a good try,” I whispered.

  “Cassidy,” Liam’s tone took a serious note, “loving you has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t know if I say it enough, but it’s true. You really are the best thing that ever happened to me. You’ve taught me patience, perseverance, faith, and that word you like to throw around — joy. The best days of my life have been because of you. You’ve taught me how to fight for everything worth fighting for because it’s the stuff worth having. You made me a husband, a father, a good friend, and a better man. Everything I have is because of you, especially Reagan. You’re her perfect role model and everything I have no doubt she’ll strive to be one day. Your passion is fierce, your laughter contagious, your joy comforting, and your strength beyond measure. You really are the strongest, bravest, smartest, and prettiest O’Reilly of the bunch, Sassy Cassy. For that, I love you more than anything. I’d marry you a hundred times more, just to prove that to you.”

  As if on cue, Wylie held out the box of tissue, and I grabbed several. Liam was sweet, and said I love you often, but this was his whole heart, and he shared it in front of our whole world. The timing of it all was obvious. This was a little bit of closure — the beginning of our goodbye. I tried to push that down and focus on the now. I was up — it was time to say what I needed him to know.

  “Now, Daddy?” Reagan asked.

  “No, honey, a few more minutes. I’ll tell you when.” Liam chuckled.

  “I don’t know how I’m supposed to follow that, Liam. Your words mean everything to me. You always know what I need, when I need it, and how to fix everything, even my heart. You’ve turned my worst days into my best, supported me through thick and thin, and been right by my side, through sickness and health. You are loyal, you are kind, you are the best man I know, and I’m confident that one day, whoever the man is our little one chooses will have to measure up to the great man her father is. I cherish you and the life we have. You’re my heart, my soul, and my love. You’re the other half of my whole. They say love lasts a lifetime, but ours will last longer. I love you forever, Liam.”

  My heart was so full, it was going to burst. The tears and sniffles around me confirmed what we’d just shared was beautiful and so deep. I wish we’d done this under different circumstances and the limited time left hadn’t been the motivator, but I’d take every last memory we could create as a family.

  My husband was real, he was vulnerable, and he loved me to his core. If I ever doubted that, which I hadn’t, today would be proof. Liam arranged a vow renewal in a matter of hours, simply because I was feeling down and defeated. He didn’t just tell me he loved me, he showed me with this grand gesture, and I felt at peace. With everything. In that moment, I felt at peace.

  “Now, Reagan,” Liam whispered.

  She stopped twirling in her fluffy dress and gave him a twisted look. “What?”

  “Your rings,” he said.

  “Oh! And then I can say it?” she asked, full of newfound excitement. In one quick move, she ripped her bracelet sized rings off the pillow and put them in Liam’s hand.

  “Thanks, squirt.” He winked.

  “This is how much I love you,” Liam said, sliding the bracelet on my wrist. “I’ll wear a hot pink and purple beaded bracelet with unicorn heads and hearts for you.”

  My head fell in laughter as I took the second one and placed it on his wrist. He slid his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. We stood there, lost in each other’s gaze for a moment, until he finally looked to Reagan.

  “Now,” he said.

  “Huh?” She continued to twirl.

  “Your line. The bracelets are on, say it.”

  “You mean the rings?” she asked honestly, eyes still fixed on the flowing skirt of her dress as she moved back and forth.

  “Sorry. The rings. Yes. Now, say the thing you’ve been waiting for.”

  With a tiny gasp, she quickly stilled, tossed out her arms, and shouted, “You may kiss my mommy because she’s the bride!”

  Everyone laughed at her declaration. She’d tried to say it right, and that was what counted. Liam did just as he was told and kissed me long, hard, and so full of heart, it nearly brought me to tears again. It almost felt like a goodbye, but we weren’t there yet, even if we were close.

  Our family clapped until we’d been lip locked a little too long for some, and started to shout, “Get a room.”

  Upbeat music started, and drinks were passed around as a long table began to fill with buffet style food. I recognized the faces making the delivery
. It was one of the cooks from O’Reilly’s Pub and his wife. How they made this kind of spread in such a short amount of time was beyond me, but I was so deeply grateful.

  It was a testament to who this family really was. Admired and loved by so many, in the spur of a moment, they’d have all the help they needed to pull off an impromptu wedding. From my dress to the hair and makeup ladies, the photographer and catering…I was in awe. I was lucky. I was loved. I was blessed.

  I was starting to realize my idea about blessings and curses were skewed. I’d been dealt a really shitty hand, but it wasn’t a curse. It in itself was a silver lining. I could see that now. The inevitable outcome was devastating and hurt like hell to face, but the journey to get here has been magical.

  I’d witnessed beautiful moments I may have otherwise not experienced. I’d met people who came into our life and became family that may not have filled the roles they had otherwise. And it wasn’t just about me, or for me, but for those around me. It wasn’t just my life touched by all of these experiences, people, and circumstances, it touched and influenced anyone in close proximity.

  I was lucky. They were lucky. We were all lucky for one another.

  The party was in full swing. Liam and I had our first dance as husband and wife…again. I guess that was a thing for vow renewals too. I didn’t mind, though. It had felt so good to be in his arms, moving to the music. It’d been so long since we’d done that.

  After standing on my feet while exchanging vows, I felt the fatigue settling in, as it always did. My energy was lacking more and more. Liam sensed my tiredness and held me around the waist so I could just rest in his arms as he moved us from side to side. It was these tender moments that comforted me.

  It wasn’t long before we snuck out of the after party and went back to our place to relax. It had been a long, but joyous day. Felicity was keeping Reagan for a sleepover so she could stay and enjoy the party and I could rest.

  Liam drew a warm Epsom salt bath for me. It usually helped with the joint and muscle pain so I could go longer between pain meds. I could hear him rifling around in the bedroom. Who knew what he was up to. I loved that man.

  There was a subtle knock at the door before Liam stepped in. “You doing okay in here?”

  “I’m just fine. The bath was exactly what I needed. Thank you.” I smiled and reached for him.

  He sat at the edge of the bathtub and took my hand. “You want to stay in here a little longer or see the surprise I have for you?”

  I quickly sat up, causing a bit of a splash. “Oops. Sorry,” I said with a giggle. “You had my attention at surprise. What is it?”

  “Well, if I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise.”

  “Liam…” I pouted. “A hint?”

  “Nope. It’s just on the other side of that door. If you want to see it…”

  “You play hardball, O’Reilly. Hand me my robe,” I said.

  “With pleasure, darlin’. Do you need help getting out?”

  “Are you flirting with me? Why do I think you just want to look at my boobs?”

  “Because you know me well.” Liam held my hands and gently helped me to my feet. He pulled me against him, soaking his shirt. “I like your boobs.”

  His lips met mine, and his kissed me while lifting me from the tub and placing me on the rug just in front. I squealed at the bold move. It was nice to see him act this way, flirtatious and sensual, but still gentle.

  “Let’s get you covered up so you don’t get cold.” He wrapped me in my heavy terry cloth robe.

  “Liam, I’m still soaking wet. I’ll get the floors and bed wet.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t see the problem in that. It’s just floors and a bed.”

  In a swift movement, he swept me from my feet and cradled me against his body, taking us to the other room. “I don’t want you to slip, and maybe this will spare those floors you’re worried about.”

  He carefully placed me on the bed, and stripped his shirt, tossing it to the side without a care. “Eh, I’ll deal with that tomorrow.”

  I looked around the room, moved by the gesture he’d made. The candles from earlier in the day were all lit, the shadows they cast dancing on the walls.

  “Oh, Liam. It’s…it’s…it’s so lovely,” I choked out. “How many times are you going to make me cry today? Are you enjoying this?”

  “You deserved today, and this…” he fanned his hand toward the candles, “and so much more, Cass.”

  “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

  “I’ll make you a list.” He plopped on the bed next me, pulled his phone from his pocket, and began to peck at the screen. “Here’s your surprise.”

  At first, I was confused when he handed me his phone. How was his phone a surprise? Until I saw it. The screen. It took a moment to register, not recognizing the face staring back at me at first. It was me. I scrolled through the pictures. There were several, all me from earlier in the day.

  “Oh, Liam. These are…” I paused. There were the tears — again. “They’re… I look like me.”

  “You always look like you, Cassy. What you see right there, that’s what I always see, what we all see. Just you, not the cancer. I wanted you to see what we did.”

  “Gosh, they’re beautiful. I don’t even know what to say.”

  “You’re beautiful, inside and out. You always have been, and always will be the most beautiful girl in the world to me.”

  “That’s what today was for?” I laughed. “You really go all out.”

  “Partly. I needed…I-I needed you to know what you meant to me before…” His head dropped in defeat, unable to say the words. But he didn’t need to finish his thought. Before I was gone.

  My hands cradled his face, lifting it so his eyes met mine and I kissed him. When words couldn’t portray what we needed them to, we let our affections and intimacy do it for us. I knew what I meant to him because I felt the same about him.

  Pulling away, I pushed him back against the pillows on our bed and lifted to my knees, straddling him. “I know, Liam. I know how much you love me. I’ve never had to question that.”

  When I kissed him again and began to move against him, his hands gripped my hips to stop me and he stalled our kiss.

  “Cass…we don’t have to.”

  Shaking my head, my hands met his, and I stroked up and down his arms. “I know. I want to. It’s okay. I’m okay. I want to show you what you mean to me.”

  I made love to husband that night, for the last time. It was everything it was supposed to be and more.

  Dear Liam…

  I’m so sorry you have to spend our anniversary alone this year, but I hope you still celebrate. Celebrate our love and deep devotion. Celebrate the beautiful memories. Celebrate the life we built. Celebrate the life we created. Those are all things worth celebrating, despite my absence because they’re still very real, present, and part of who we were — who you are, my love.

  You’re the greatest man I’ve ever known, and you gave me the best days and even better nights. I love all of you, Liam — every last inch, every last memory, every last smile and your whole heart.

  What I want you to remember most today is how much I love you. It’s more than I could ever put in words. Happy Anniversary, darling…

  I’ll love you forever…and then some more.

  When you don’t feel me, just look here…I’m always with you.

  Love, Cass

  - 14 -

  When the time is right…

  I didn’t sleep. Despite the progressing disease induced fatigue and desire, I couldn’t keep my eyes closed more than a few minutes at a time. The hospice nurse had been with me more often, and said insomnia is common at this stage and the medications can sometimes interfere with rest. But I knew it was something else. I didn’t allow her to increase my medication because lucidity was important — and adding one more drug wasn’t the answer.

  The answer lied with my husband. He was, in a roundab
out way, the source of my sleep deprivation. I was worried, and it was weighing heavily on me to the point of restless nights.

  My extra days were a bonus and growing fewer. I could feel it. I was in bed more, lacked an appetite, and felt the cancer now. I’d finished my letters to everyone — Liam’s and Reagans scrapbooks had turned out perfect, and I was so grateful for Felicity since she had to do a lot of the work for me toward the end.

  That had been my one goal, to leave a manual of sorts — life beyond Cass. Only, now I knew it wasn’t my last task, and that was what was keeping me up at night.

  It was almost Christmas eve, which was also my birthday. Most people with December birthdays feel cheated, but not me. I loved Christmas, and that made my Christmas eve birthday that much more special. It was like the entire holiday season had more meaning for me.

  We didn’t get much snow in the Willamette Valley, despite being surrounded by snowcapped mountains. In fact, Portland was lucky if it got a dusting each year because ice was more the norm. On occasion, however, it seemed every handful of years, it would snow all the way to the valley floor where we lived.

  Those were the best years — a white Christmas for my birthday. It hadn’t truly snowed since Reagan was a baby, and I’d hoped, if the next few days were granted and I made it to my birthday, I would get to see my daughter in her first real snow. That kind of Christmas magic was made for the movies, though, so I wasn’t holding my breath despite the dry, crisp air and pending forecasts that were never correct.

  Even that wasn’t what was keeping me up at night. That was just my final wish, should one be granted. What was keeping me up was my husband wasn’t prepared. I’d thought he’d come to terms with everything, but he hadn’t.

  I’ve been mostly bed ridden, only coming out for meals with the family each evening, even if I didn’t eat. Liam would carry me to an overstuffed, chaise-style chair lined with pillows and plenty of blankets. Then, after everyone had eaten, or I couldn’t sit up any longer, even with the aid of pillows, he’d carry me back to bed.