DILF DIARIES: Oh Baby Read online

  Gathered in the family room, Felix sat and looked over the birth certificate, but there wasn’t much there other than Jack was apparently the proud dad of a baby girl with a missing mother. Felix Munoz was a Portland police officer, Jack’s best friend, and the closest thing he had to family. He took notes on his small black leather pad and made a few calls, already searching the named mother’s identity in case there was something menacing involved like a kidnapping. He was thorough and treated this like a real case, unlike the cover up Juliet assumed would commence since they were bros and did each other solids. Or whatever it was called.

  Looking at the birth certificate again, as if the information had changed since the first half a dozen read-throughs, Felix said, “Man, this is pretty clear. Your name is on it. She’s yours according to this, and there’s nothing in her bag to suggest anything out of the ordinary. She isn’t abandoned, man. She’s home…with her dad,” he laughed.

  “Screw you. It’s isn’t mine. I’d never abandon any kid of mine, and you know that,” Jack pleaded with his friend. Felix’s nod acknowledging Jack’s claim to being a standup guy caught Juliet’s attention. “Women tie guys down all the time by naming them on these. She added my name and forged my signature. I just have to prove it’s not mine — the signature and the baby.”

  “Ramsey, Jack. Her name is Ramsey.” Juliet was sitting on the overstuffed couch, feeding Ramsey, who seemed to be taking to her. “Looks like you are her dad, because one, it says so on that paper. And two, there isn’t a woman out there who would try to trap a guy known for his hero pecker.”

  Felix laughed, impressed by Juliet’s wit. He’d known her as Jack’s whiny neighbor, but he liked seeing this side of her too. Juliet Walker may have been the only woman in town who wasn’t impressed by the charming ladies’ man, and perhaps the only person to keep Jack Decker in line.

  Running his hands through his hair, Jack stood and went back to pacing — something he seemed to do as a problem-solving tactic. “Okay. How do I prove it? Who do we call?”

  Felix shrugged his broad shoulders. This wasn’t the kind of case that came along often — or ever. “I’ll look into Kate Henderson and check out the address dispatch sent over. I’ll see what I can find. Why don’t you work on getting a crib and extra diapers? This may take a while, dad.”

  There was that sense of dread and fear again. Jack seemed to cringe every time he was faced with dealing with the baby. He was scared of her. “Crib? Oh, it isn’t staying here.”

  “Ramsey!” Jules reprimanded. “Her name is Ramsey. Is Jack short for jackass? Just curious.”

  Felix laughed again. He was really beginning to like Juliet. She was good for Jack.

  Jack, however, wasn’t as keen on her. “How’s that stick up your ass, Jules?”

  “Okay…okay. That’s enough. We all have work to do. I’ll get on this,” Felix shared, flicking his notepad. “Can I leave you two unattended or do I need to separate you?”

  Jack hesitated to answer. Jules was under his skin, but the idea of her leaving him alone with the baby made him sweat. Ramsey, it seemed, was his, and a permanent fixture — at least for now — but the only reason it — Ramsey, wasn’t crying was because Juliet knew how to comfort her. Stick aside, she was good with that baby and he was clueless. Jack needed her. When his dick twitched at that thought, he scolded himself. She’s not for you, buddy. She’s on a whole ‘nother level.

  “We’ll be…fine,” Jules conceded. “Ramsey has a few necessities in her diaper bag, but this won’t last you long. You’ll need to get some things, Jack.”

  “Things? Like what kind of things?” Jack questioned as he began to worry.

  Felix slapped Jack’s shoulder in sympathy. “Baby things. Babies need a lot of things, man.”

  He nodded at a quick pace, his anxiety obvious. “Where do I find them? The things, that is. How do I know what to get? How much of everything? Where do I put it all? Does she need like…a space? A room! I can give her a room! What do I put in it, though? Is it really safe for her to be in a room by herself? Who will watch her?”

  Both Jules and Felix’s jaws dropped. They would have laughed if it weren’t so sad to watch everyone’s hero crumble. He didn’t know how to hero this one.

  “Wow. You’re serious. Haven’t you ever been around babies at all?” Jules asked.

  “No. I mean…there have been a few here and there through work, but I don’t take care of them, I just hand them off.”

  Jules didn’t have to care for babies much at the hospital, or have much experience outside of that, but even she knew what they needed. “Don’t you have family? Nieces? Nephews?”

  Jack looked at the floor before turning his gaze to the baby on Jules’ shoulder. After a long pause, he admitted his truth without giving details. “No.”

  Jules’ eyes narrowed, taking in his answer and the emotions tangled within it, trying to dissect it all. There’s a story there. Interesting, she thought. Perhaps another day they could explore that. It may not explain anything, or it could explain everything.

  Felix looked between them, seeming to know something, and broke the silence before she could start asking questions by changing the subject while trying to be helpful. “Any medical records, history, or schedule in that envelope?”

  “Schedule? She’s a baby, what kind of schedule would she have? Her nails aren’t done, and she doesn’t have any hair,” Jack chortled.

  “No, Felix, just her birth certificate,” Jules informed. “I think we should have her seen just in case. Make sure she’s okay and we aren’t missing anything important that could affect her care.”

  “I was just going to suggest that,” Felix agreed. “It will also help build a case against whomever, should this go that far.”

  Getting on board with what was next, Jack agreed, “Okay, yeah. Good, there’s an urgent care up the road. Let’s make sure she…doesn’t have anything.”

  “She’s not a stray dog, Decker. She needs a pediatrician,” Felix corrected, a hint of offense in his tone. Juliet bit her bottom lip, trying not to laugh. Felix knew what he was doing.

  “I happen to know a pediatrician,” Jules added with a sigh of hesitation. “He’ll get her in today if I ask. He can also administer a paternity test.” She ran her hand through her hair, building a little courage before she smiled at the baby but gave Jack a side-eye. “I’ll make a quick call, but this is going to cost you.”

  “Sure. I’ll pay whatever. This needs to be sorted out. The sooner, the better.” Sooner being the operative word.

  “No, I mean cost. I’m probably going to have to agree to the date he’s been asking me on for months now,” Jules said snidely. “He’s relentless, and very patient apparently. But he’s a great doctor, and who I would choose for my own child…if I had one.”

  “Is he bothering you?” Jack puffed out his chest like an alpha caveman, or a cocky rooster, depending on how you looked at it. He suddenly felt protective over his…neighbor. “If you need back up, I’m happy to step in with this guy. Better yet, Felix in his uniform ought to really make him shit his pants and get the guy to back off.”

  “First, I don’t need the ‘knight in shining armor, save the girl’ thing. It’s not my thing.” She smiled. “Second, I appreciate the offer, but he’s harmless and not bothering me. He’s actually a decent guy, and it wouldn’t hurt to go out for a change. I’ll call Dr. Detweiler.” She handed Jack the baby, despite him trying to pull away. “Here. Get her ready to go. We can stop and get some things while we’re out.”

  “Detweiler. Good guy,” Felix added. “My sisters take their kids to him. And my cousins. I guess he sees the entire Munoz family. We’re all kind of close.” Juliet nodded with a smile, enjoying his candor, then escaped to the back patio, cell in hand, ready to make her call.

  With Ramsey awkwardly cradled in his stiff arms, locked in a wide-eyed stare down with Jack, he whispered to Felix, “Get her ready? What do babies do to get ready?” />
  “You really haven’t been around babies at all? Like ever?” Felix took the baby and held her out in front of him, making strange, high-pitched noises at her. Jack was surprised, and maybe jealous, though he didn’t know why, when the baby’s eyes grew wide and nearly sparkled as she kicked her little legs and smiled.

  “Just your nieces, nephews, and cousins at your family shit.” Jack caught himself before Felix even tossed him a side-eye over the language. “I mean…stuff, but I don’t hold them or anything. How did you get her to do that? She smiled.”

  “It’s easy when they’re this little. Just change their diaper, make sure they’re fed, and either warm enough or cool enough, depending on the weather.” With Ramsey secured over one shoulder, Felix rummaged through the diaper bag with his other and pulled out a changing mat and a diaper. To Jack’s astonishment, Felix proceeded to change the baby on the table.

  “Man, I eat here, Munoz!”

  “And there’s a changing pad under her. Just make sure you sanitize the table before you eat here again. Jack, be resourceful — it’s your friend.”

  Jules walked in and smiled at the sight of Felix changing the baby. “You’re a pro.”

  “Ehhh, just at the easy stuff. I have a big family, lots of sisters and cousins with families. You don’t grow up in a family like mine and not know how to change a diaper or make a bottle.” He winked.

  Oddly, Jack found himself somewhat offended by what he interpreted as light flirting. He was about to tell Felix he should back off when Jack realized what he was getting worked up about and convinced himself he shouldn’t care. It was Jules, after all. Felix snapped the baby’s car seat harness and swiped her nose while making a funny sound that got the baby’s legs kicking again before slapping jack on the arm. “Okay, I’m out. Keep me posted, and I’ll do the same.”

  “You get Ramsey and her bag, I’m going to lock up my place and grab my purse. Meet you out front.” Before Jack could reply to either, they disappeared out the door.

  Finally, a quiet moment alone to reconcile everything that had occurred. Jack stood staring at the baby staring back at him. What had just happened? In a single hour, his whole world turned upside down, and standing alone with the baby led to sheer panic.

  How on earth had he gotten to this point? How on earth had he not known he was a dad? He would know, right? Looking at her, he would see it and just know she was his. In fact, despite the rumors and womanizing façade he stood behind, there wasn’t a chance he could have been this baby’s father.

  After he caught Chantelle cheating the week before their wedding, he hadn’t been with anyone, and that was over a year ago. Longest dry spell in history, but it was better than the alternative of betrayal and heartbreak. He remembered the night he saw Chantelle with her now husband — that was a kind of pain you just didn’t forget. He called his bros Felix and Roman to meet him at the Ram Shack where he got shit faced plastered and—

  “Oh shit,” he said out loud, and the baby smiled, bringing a smile to his own face. “Oh, you like that word? Don’t tell Jules on me, kid, and we’ll get along just fine.”

  She smiled again, and he saw it. A single dimple in her right cheek — just like his. He stared at that dimple and recalled all he could from the drunkest and dumbest night of his life. There was a woman — cute, according to the beer goggles — but he didn’t know her name or who she was. He just knew he had sat and talked to her all night at a corner table after the guys gave up on him. Then they took it to the storage room behind the bar.

  “No way. That wasn’t even…I was drunk, and it was…quick. I think?” He looked at the baby watching his every move, taking in his every word. “I shouldn’t be telling you this — what the hell is wrong with me?”

  Raking his hands through his hair, he stared back at Ramsey. The golden, jewel-toned eyes and dark hair could be a coincidence, but that dimple returned when she grinned, and reality settled around him. “This isn’t going to go my way, is it?”

  Ramsey made a soft drooling coo sound, and he couldn’t help but grin. She was pretty damn cute.

  CHAPTER 3

  Juliet was right. They got right in to see Dr. Jase Detweiler, pediatrician extraordinaire. Jack already didn’t like the guy. When he walked into the room they were put in, he immediately hugged Jules, and it lasted a little longer than Jack liked. Jase Detweiler was a good looking guy — tall and built under that white lab coat and button up. Jack was man enough to admit it. He was good competition and hot for Jules — it was obvious. Interestingly enough, she didn’t seem to return the affection. She was all business, and for whatever reason, that pleased him.

  Detweiler sized Jack up. It was clear to Jack this Dr. Dick saw him as competition — guys could tell when other guys were threatened. Dr. D was one hundred percent threatened and trying to piss all over everything he thought was his. Including Jules. In between actual business, it was an equal match of one upping each other. A real pissing contest that nearly ended with them politely whipping out their dicks to see whose was bigger, because if you asked Jack, he’d already beaten good ol’ Dr. D in everything else.

  Dr. Detweiler played a shitty hand; he had a hidden ace. “So, paternity test? I always thought it was interesting when people didn’t know they sired a child.” When the look on Jules’ face was anything but amused, he cleaned it up. “I can’t believe she just didn’t tell you. It’s not fair. Not to you, Jack, or the baby.”

  Well played, Doc, Jack thought. He knew where the doc was going with this. He was trying to get Jack to admit something, anything, that would discredit him and knock him down a peg. Admitting he had only been with one woman one time in the past year would give Jase the upper hand and he’d win the macho contest they seemed to be in. It would also kill Jack’s reputation. But if he let the implication that he was a manwhore and couldn’t remember where he dipped his dick and possibly planted his seed…well, that was just as damaging.

  So, Jack let it go. “I don’t know either, man. Don’t remember her. She could be anyone.”

  He won as the womanizing ladies’ man, which didn’t score him any points. Instead, it made him look like an asshole given the disappointment in Jules’ expression. But better that kind of disappointment than trade in his man card by revealing his recent celibacy. Women already fell all over him. If they knew his secret, it’d get ugly. He’d have to move…out of state. In this moment, it mattered more that Jase thought Jack was getting laid left and right and could have any woman he wanted, than for Jules to know he wasn’t the manwhore she believed him to be.

  Dr. Detweiler offered to make some phone calls, see if he could find medical records for Ramsey, starting with the hospital his clinic was affiliated with, then the other family clinics around town. He took down Felix’s info and said he would share his findings with him as well. He didn’t have to do any of those things, which made him less of a dick, pissing Jack off more. This guy was winning — Jules was smiling at him now.

  “How long will this test take?” Jack asked. “Few hours?”

  Dr. Detweiler chuckled. “Oh, no. We send the test out. Paternity can be determined in a few days, but most tests take weeks. You’ll get the results in the mail — twelve weeks max.”

  “Wait — that’s three months!” Jack panicked.

  “Your math is excellent. Only skipped health class, it seems.” Detweiler dropped a low blow. “Yes. Up to three months or so. Just depends on how backed up they are.”

  “I-I can’t do that. How do I get on the two-day plan, Doc?”

  Dr. Detweiler raised an eyebrow. “You got a court order or medical emergency that warrants a court’s influence?”

  “Of course not.” Jack didn’t like where this was going.

  Dr. Detweiler grabbed a pamphlet from the wall rack and handed it to Jack. “Now, if you and half the guys in line ahead of you waiting for results had read this…the wait for results would be a lot shorter.”

  Jack looked at the paper in
his hand. It was about planned pregnancies, safe sex, and how to use a condom. The corner of Jack’s mouth curled up in a sarcastic scowl as he envisioned planting a hefty fist on the good doc’s pretty face. Jack was losing this pissing match.

  When they packed up to leave, Jack grabbed the baby and her bag before saying, “Thanks for all the help, Chase.”

  “It’s Jace. And you’re welcome.”

  For added dramatic effect, he slung an arm over Jules’ shoulder while they made it down the long hall to the waiting room and entrance.

  Jules was quick to push it off and sent him a warning look. “Do that again and you’re on your own. I don’t find the juvenile antics like dry humping a prize you’re fighting over to mark it with your scent charming in the least. In this case, I’m the prize, and neither of you won.”

  Jack didn’t need to turn around to know his new nemesis was watching. The loud snicker behind him was all he needed to confirm his assumption. Damn it. He’d try harder next time.

  On the way home, they stopped at the local big box store to load up on stuff they’d need to buy for at least a few days while they figured things out. Felix called and didn’t have any info, but let him know his sister had a bassinet he could borrow for now and a few odds and ends. Jules explained what it was, why he needed it, and why a bed or couch with a pillow next to her wasn’t safe. He was a work in progress.

  “Are you hungry?” Jack asked on the drive home. “We’ve been out all day. Ramsey ate, but you haven’t.”

  “I could really go for a pizza,” she replied without hesitation. Jack was used to the type of women who didn’t eat at all or only ate salad — hold the dressing, cheese, croutons, and everything but the lettuce.