DILF DIARIES: Oh Baby Read online

  Breaking their kiss once more, he pulled back ever so slightly to see her, and smiled, his hands still full of her ass.

  “No fucking panties,” he hissed. “It’s like you knew I was going to come over.”

  God, this is hot, she thought. She’d figure out the skirt thing later, because she distinctly remembered wearing shorts — and she always wore panties. But she was rolling in euphoria and her memory wasn’t reliable, and quite honestly, she didn’t fucking care if her shorts were really a skirt.

  Jules was done playing around. She wanted him now. Jules loosened his belt, then unbuttoned his jeans, and pushed them to the floor, along with his boxer briefs. It was her turn to look at him, and admire the…average-sized hose? Okay, so maybe the pecker legend was more of a pecker rumor. He was still hot as hell and average wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t…ya know…

  A knock had them both glaring at the door and whoever the asshole on the other side was. They were getting busy — no time for solicitors. Perfectly in sync, like they could read each other’s minds, they ignored the intrusion and were back in each other’s clutches.

  Jack lifted her from the ground, wrapping her around his narrow waist, and she slid down heaven in a single movement that felt like Christmas and Hallelujah all at once. Sweet baby Jesus. Average felt like fireworks in the middle of the day. Another knock made her ride faster. Screw you. Take the hint. I’m busy getting…screwed.

  Jack was panting her name, his hands squeezing her ass as he matched her pace, pumping as hard as she was, looking for…

  Another knock. Only this time, more urgent.

  Jules was at the edge, ready fall completely over into an abyss she’d never had the pleasure of experiencing. This was hot, this was primal, this was…everything, and she wasn’t stopping, because Jack was spilling into her, and she was ready to…

  More knocking. I’ll buy all your fucking cookies when I’m done, she thought, and join your church, and sure, spray for bugs. I’ll take the monthly plan. Just. Let. Me. Finish.

  Knocking turned to pounding and a faint familiar voice. Rosie? What the hell was she doing there, and what was so urgent? Was she looking for Jack? Where was Jack? Her body still pulsed. She was winded from the heavy action and still on the brink of an epic orgasm, but suddenly, he was gone. She was all alone, and unable to move, like something was restraining her, with Rosie on the other side of her door.

  Then, it happened. She woke up, tangled in her sheets, wearing the clothes she remembered putting on. Rolling out of the fabric, she sat up and peeked down her shirt to confirm she was wearing a bra. Pulling at the elastic waistband of her shorts, she found panties. It was a dream. A dirty dream with the last person she’d get naked with and ride in her…foyer.

  The only thing real was the looming orgasm she had been robbed of by the very real Rosie still pounding on her door and hollering for her. Shit. Jules took to her feet, solemnly swearing to never take a nooner nap again. Rushing from the bed before Rosie had SWAT called in, she straightened her clothes and hair one last time before opening the door.

  Cheeks flushed, throbbing lady parts, and glistening in sweat, Jules plastered on her best fake smile and answered the door. “Hey, Rosie. What’s up?”

  “Oh, mija, I was so worried when you didn’t answer. Your car was here, but I just knocked and knocked. It isn’t safe to live alone — what if something bad happened?”

  “Well, if something bad had happened…” like having a total teenage wet dream about an asshole neighbor sneaking into her panties…err, no panties, “then I guess you would have just found me!”

  Rosie had found her all right — found her a horny hot mess with an ache that screamed anytime her legs came too close together. Humiliation was one of those things that could happen even if you were the only person who knew what was so humiliating.

  “Are you feeling okay? You look a little flushed,” Rosie said, placing the back of her hand on Juliet’s forehead. “Oh my. You’re a little warm. A fever maybe.”

  Telling the women this was normal — that she always looked this way post sex dream — wasn’t exactly an option. “Oh, I was just doing…some yoga. Had my earbuds in, that’s why I didn’t hear you.”

  “Oh. Okay. As long as you’re sure there isn’t anything I can help you with to make you feel better?”

  “Oh…I’m quite sure you can’t help me with this. Just need a…cool shower.” Jules wasn’t sure a cool shower would do anything for her, not even a cold shower. Even as Rosie stood there, images of Jack half-naked and pumping into her ran through her mind. She was disgusted with herself.

  “Well, I have some extra tamales for you. Just stick them in the freezer and they’ll last you a while. I want to make sure you eat and don’t get too skinny.”

  “You’re too good to me, Rosie.”

  “If you need any guacamole or that salsa you love, come next door. I made fresh tortilla chips.” Rosie liked to use Jules’ favorite foods as bargaining tools with Jules. “I’m making Carne Asada tacos for dinner. Come over if you’re free. I know they’re your favorite.”

  “They are definitely my favorite, but I’m a bit busy, so…”

  “I knew they were your favorite.” Rosie grinned. “Just come by any time. Jack will be there, and the baby.”

  Before Juliet could say another word, Rosie was down the steps and halfway back to Jack’s. The woman was a hustler and used food and babies to get what she wanted. Jules watched Rosie, trying to make sense of her visit. While outside on her front porch, she decided to water her newly planted flowers and hanging baskets.

  Rosie always showed up next door with arms full of groceries bags, diapers, and trays of food from the restaurant — some of which she would bring next door to Jules and update her on Ramsey and Jack learning to be a dad. For one reason or another, she was always trying to get Jules to come over — to see Jack, to see the baby. The baby was cute, but Jack was an ass. I wonder if that’s where the term jackass came from. She laughed at herself. Clever.

  Noise from Jack’s side of the fence pulled her from her thoughts. It sounded like women. Young women. A harem of young women. Jules didn’t know what a young woman sounded like, or a full harem, but she was certain it sounded like the chaos coming from Jack’s backyard.

  Though the underground sprinklers did a fine job watering the shrubs lining the property, Jules thought it couldn’t hurt to give them an extra watering. They’d had record breaking heat lately, and if she didn’t water them, she’d be replacing them. So, it was good for the environment too. As she moved down the fence line, closer to Jack’s, she leaned into the planks, trying to get a better view. There’s nothing wrong with giving a thorough watering, she told herself.

  The tiny cracks between boards weren’t quite giving the view she needed, so she pushed on, until she found a knot hole in a board that allowed her a straight shot glimpse of Jack’s patio and pool area where they were all seated. The shrubs where she was standing seemed to be especially dry, so she leaned in to get a better look, but only because she needed to water the hell out of the surrounding greenery.

  “Looking for me?” came a deep voice from behind her. “Or did you drop a contact?”

  Jules jumped at the sound and gasped when she hosed herself in the face with the frigid water. “Oh my God, what the hell, Jack? You made me spray myself!”

  “You’re the one eavesdropping in my yard,” he accused, an entertained look on his face.

  Jaw dropped and thoroughly offended, she corrected, “I am doing no such thing. I’m watering the plants!”

  “You mean watering the fence?” Jack pointed to the area where he caught her not so secretly gawking.

  When Jules looked behind her and noticed the fence panel to the right of where she stood was indeed thoroughly watered, she decided the only way out of the hole she was digging was to dig a little deeper. “That’s because I’m…weeding too.”

  She bent down and grabbed the first thing she c
ould wrap her sturdy grip around and gave it a fierce, root-popping tug. “See?”

  Amusement filled his expression. “You just pulled up a juniper.”

  “Yeah…” Jules’ eyes widened when she looked at the shrub in her hand. In a quick recovery, she confidently fired back, “Well, I didn’t like it there. I think an azalea would look nicer.”

  Crossing his arms, Jack bobbed his head as if he agreed, and looked behind her before replying, “Okay, but that’s my juniper. Your yard ended like ten feet that way.”

  Shit. She followed the direction he was pointing only to gain a little time to come up with her rebuttal. She knew she was in his yard, and nowhere near her own, she just hadn’t thought of that ninety seconds earlier when she made the impromptu decision to rid his yard of a perfectly fine juniper. “Consider it a favor. This thing is dying, and…it’s ugly.”

  She marched off, hose in hand, stomping in the now muddy flower bed that was somewhat of a property line between them. She paused when the mud splattered all over her. How much humiliation could a girl handle? When she heard the ear-piercing laughter coming from his direction, she marched on, mud splashing and all, but not before she turned around and placed her thumb over the hose nozzle, giving Jack a high pressure wetting of his own.

  “FYI, Jack Decker…” she hissed, “you’re just…average.”

  Jack sat on his back patio, enjoying a day off by the pool. It seemed his neighbor next door had the same idea. He heard her over the fence talking to someone about seeing them that evening and looking forward to dinner. Probably that kid doctor who wants in her pants so bad. Whatever, the guy’s a douchebag. She can do better.

  After the last appointment he had with Ramsey and Dr. Dickhead, Jack was surprised the guy was still calling Jules and trying to date her. Jack wasn’t sure why, but he felt obligated to inform the good doctor about Jules and her revolving door of men. It seemed she was into younger guys — college dudes. At least, they appeared to be in college, and everyone knew if you’ve been with one frat boy, you’ve slept with the entire campus.

  Sure, none of that was true, but Jack had zero fucks to give. If Jack wasn’t good enough for Nurse Jules, Dr. Dickwad definitely wasn’t. Pediatrician, whatever. I guess it could be worse, he could be a gyno just to meet women. The guy was a creep, and Jules would thank him someday for doing her a solid. He owed her one anyway.

  Dickface might not have been good dating material for Jules, but he was a hell of a good kid doctor, and if it weren’t for Jules, he and Ramsey may not have met the guy. When the sound of Jules’ lawn mower stopped, he realized he’d been lost in thought long enough for her to do her backyard and move onto whatever else had her humming loudly.

  Humming soon became singing…if you could call that pitchy mess singing. He stood and stretched, hoping to get a peek over the fence, but all he saw was a blonde ponytail bobbing up and down. He made his way around the pool to the corner where the ground was raised for a rocky waterfall feature that flowed back into the pool. He climbed just high enough to see her dancing around, earphones in.

  She shook her ass and swung her head around to what sounded like a terrible rendition of a 90’s Pop chart-topper. Jules grabbed what looked like the last red geranium from a flat of flowers on her outdoor table and a garden spade, each taking a turn as her microphone as she shimmied her shoulders. She planted the flower in a nearby pot and tamped down the dirt while hunched over.

  That’s when her ass began to swing from side to side. It was also when his dick began to twitch. Who would’ve thought gardening could be so hot? And that was just the beginning.

  It turned into full porno-stripper mode when she got hot and pulled her shirt over her head with nothing but a skimpy something or other underneath — bikini, sports bra, regular bra — he didn’t keep up with women’s fashion, he just knew it was fucking hot. Especially with those tiny shorts of hers — the shorts currently sliding down her perfectly toned, tan legs.

  Bikini. It was a boner pleasing bikini. Under all that hard, bossy exterior, there was a sexy beast waiting to get out. Oh, what he would have given to tame that sexy beast and smack her perfect ass for shits and giggles.

  Jules dipped her toe into her pool, testing the water. A swim was just what she needed — if you asked him — not that anyone had. An image of Jules pulling herself from the water and taking one step at a time as she climbed out, the water dripping from her glistening body, ran through his head. All in slow motion, of course.

  “Hey, jackass. The fence is there for a reason.”

  Shit. He was caught. He was pulled from his dirty thoughts so quickly, it threw him off. He lost his footing and slipped on the wet rocks, sliding down the waterfall, right into the pool. Laughter was all that could be heard from over the fence — and from his patio. He now had an audience. What he didn’t expect was the bomb Jules had been saving for days since their last encounter. She yelled, “Heads,” just before a two-foot-tall juniper flew over the fence and landed in his pool.

  “That one’s feisty, mijo. I like her,” Rosie said before heading back inside with the baby on her shoulder, the rest of the Munoz girls following — aka the harem.

  CHAPTER 5

  A loud, heavy, and insistent knock sounded as Juliet put the final layer of spray in her hair, hoping it would battle through the night’s humidity and end the evening a survivor. Jace Detweiler was taking her out again. This time, to a classy Italian restaurant with outdoor patio seating and live music. Jase was a nice guy who clearly wanted more than Juliet was interested in, for now, but going out and having a nice meal with good company and music didn’t sound like a terrible evening.

  Juliet made it clear already the feelings between them at the moment were purely one-sided and she wasn’t prepared to reciprocate or explore anything anytime soon. The ever optimistic and insanely patient Dr. Detweiler seemed oddly okay with that.

  Another hefty knock, and Juliet knew it was Rosie. The woman was relentless, especially when she knew her target was inside. She knew where everyone was, always. It didn’t take a clairvoyant to know why she was there, or that her first words would be: are you okay, mija? I was worried… Rosie was sweet and had good intentions. Juliet was quite fond of her, and her family, even if they hadn’t known each other long.

  Rosie grasped her chest when Juliet answered the door. “Oh, good. You’re okay, mija. I worry about you living here all alone, and when you didn’t come to the door but your car was in the driveway, my heart panicked. I also saw that unfamiliar car with a strange man in it. I thought something terrible happened.”

  Okay, so she was close on the ‘mija, are you okay’ thing. It actually made her chuckle. “I’m good, Rosie. I was just getting ready for my date and it took me a minute to answer.”

  “Oh, a date?” Rosie asked rather loudly over her shoulder.

  Juliet’s brow furrowed, confused by her response. “Yep, with the strange man in the unfamiliar car.”

  “Oh! Then it’s okay he’s been sitting there. I almost called my boy, Felix. I thought you might have a stalker,” Rosie said, again, rather loudly. “Especially when you didn’t answer…I thought he did something to you. You just never know these days.”

  Jules laughed. “Nope, just a date. Murderers don’t typically hang around the scene of the crime anyway. Though, I suppose he could have been waiting for the sun to go down. Might be better cover to wait until it’s dark to remove the body.”

  “Juliet!” Rosie gasped, looking back at the car like the man inside was already guilty. “That’s not funny. Not funny at all.”

  Jules found it really funny. Morbid, but funny. Mostly due to Rosie’s reaction. “It’s actually Dr. Detweiler. You may know him.”

  “Oh, yes! He treats all the little ones in our family! He eats free at the restaurant, ya know? He’s a good man.” She leaned down to capture Detweiler’s attention by waving her arms erratically. His passenger window rolled down, and she hollered, “Good evening,
Dr. Detweiler! Enjoy your date.”

  He lifted a hand and waved, taking a break from whatever he was doing on his cellphone. “It’s good to see you, Rosie.”

  Juliet grabbed her purse from the entry table and pulled the door closed, locking it behind her.

  “He’s not coming to the door?” Rosie was shocked by his lack of gentleman-like manners.

  “Guess not. He’s on call tonight. Probably just dealing with a patient.”

  “Not very gentlemanly, patient or not, and I’m pretty sure I heard the Candy Crush music a second ago.” Rosie hadn’t heard a thing, but that was beside the point.

  “Oh.” Juliet had nothing else to say to that. Was he really playing a game in the car, waiting on her to come to him? Chivalry was a lost art.

  “Jack, he’s a good boy,” Rosie said, nodding toward his house. “Give you the shirt off his back. He’s trying very hard, you know.”

  When Jules stepped down from the porch and took the walkway, she looked the direction Rosie nodded. Jules saw Jack up by the fence, planting what appeared to be an azalea. “Trying hard at being a dad?”

  “At being the man he wants you to think he is.” Rosie shrugged with a slow sigh.

  “Why does he care what I think?” Now, this was new, and Jules needed answers — answers she wasn’t going to get.

  The older woman laughed. “See you soon, mija. Don’t be a stranger.”

  And with that, she left.

  Juliet stood on the walkway and watched Rosie walk all the way back to Jack’s wondering if there was some subliminal message hidden in her words or if she was just bat shit crazy. This was becoming a pattern of sorts — a recurring encounter. Of course, he’s planting an azalea. Smartass. Jack’s specialty was sarcasm after all, even when planting, or replanting, shrubs. He was goading her.